The Philosopher's Room

How can one convey the intricacies of an experience that transcends the limits of language? Trying to describe an ego death is like trying to catch the wind with bare hands or hold stardust between your fingers. And trying to understand it without experiencing it is like trying to understand the taste of colors or the scent of sound.

Actually, most topics surrounding consciousness can be tricky to put into words. So, why do I find it so important to try anyway? Well, I think it’s very important to give people who are searching (even subconsciously searching) clues and a map that leads them towards their light. Giving a glimpse into the unknown is like seeing a flicker of light at the end of a tunnel, maybe it’ll help some of you continue with bravery, hope, and determination to follow through.

It’s amusing—the term “ego death” doesn’t exactly sound inviting, exciting, or pleasant. So why do I hold these experiences in such high regard? Well, to appreciate that fully, you’d need a deeper understanding of the ego itself—how it quietly orchestrates our lives behind the scenes, wielding significant power and control over our reality. We’ll dive into those details later in this article. But for now, I invite you to imagine what it’s like to start anew completely. Picture every particle in your being synchronizing, not merely on any page, but on the crisp, untouched sheet of a new chapter. It’s undoubtedly one of life’s most enchanting and invigorating experiences, a reset, where your journey unfolds from that precise moment.

Ego deaths can manifest through diverse paths—intense meditation, near-death experiences, or profound moments of realization. However, when it comes to ego deaths, there’s a distinct depth and richness to the experience that unfolds through psychedelics. Specifically, psilocybin mushrooms. These beauties, expose layers of consciousness, offering profound insights and revealing hidden dimensions of the mind.

In my journey, I didn’t just undergo a mere shift in thinking. The experiences I’ve had, offered me the opportunity to truly encounter myself in ways that have forever changed the course of my life.

Life Before vs. After an Ego Death

Life, before the cascade of an ego death, might appear ‘normal,’ but what does ‘normal’ truly mean? Is it normal to bear the burden of emotions devoid of joy? Is it normal to not understand or question what you’re doing in that body of yours? Is it the norm to live in mediocrity day by day?
Taking the time to review our standard of life is not very common, but I’ve noticed that accepting a normal life is a standard accepted by many. Normal life is not necessarily a good life, but a safe life; living in the constraints of what one has been taught is life…or isn’t.

What was normal for me was feeling trapped in a cycle of anxiety and stress, constantly worrying about my actions and their outcomes. This only fueled more failure and laziness in my life—up until my first ego death.

It’s safe to say that life after an ego death is essentially being more awakened to life itself and understanding, or at least having a deeper purpose of your existence & your story—your experiences.
It’s funny, before the ego death, life felt like it was happening to me, and I became entangled in a chaotic web of events. But afterwards, everything seemed to align, and I gained a clear perspective of myself, life, and everything around me.

Suddenly, I wasn’t just a passive observer of life; I became the architect of my reality. The burdensome thoughts and feelings that once dictated my existence were now arranged in a harmonious melody.

Understanding reality after an ego death

Pre-ego death, grasping or even recognizing my existence in reality felt like trying to navigate a maze without realizing there was a maze in the first place. I was too busy experiencing reality through my emotions, and empathizing with others—viewing life through diverse lenses. However, life can’t solely be seen through the lens of emotions; it demands a broader perspective, life must also be perceived through the clarity of consciousness.

Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand any of this. Meanwhile, after my psychedelic encounter with psilocybin mushrooms and delving into multiple dimensions of reality, I came to a profound realization: Perception is reality itself. This delicate understanding dawned on me as I witnessed how our perception can be altered in countless ways. From the lighting and color tone that you see, to the emotional undertone, even the fluidity of time, everything about your reality is made up of your perception and when I say everything, I mean absolutely everything!

For many, it can be hard to understand, or to accept the fact that every detail of what you experience is based on what you perceive and what you prefer. I can hear the comments now– ‘I don’t prefer to be depressed, I don’t prefer to be in pain’, I don’t prefer to be lonely‘. Outside the events of fate that fall into our world, much of our daily reality is a product of how we choose to perceive it. The complexity arises because life events often influence our emotions, and without a deeper understanding of our emotions, it can feel like we’re not fully responsible for the outcomes of these experiences.

My shift in reality after an ego death

For most of my life, my perception was very much like a child. I have a lot of memories gazing at the dreamy picturesque view of fluffy clouds floating by, gazing at the life of bees and their relationships with the surrounding nature, watching each rain drop dribble and fall down the car window. But, as many others experience throughout life, many negative experiences shifted my reality which led to life becoming dull, and at times even dark.

During my second experience with psilocybin mushrooms I experienced a revelation about energy that would forever change my view of myself and perception.
It all started during an argument I was having with my husband. We were completely misunderstanding one another and it was my first glimpse into the world of reality—it dawned on me that our inability to understand each other stemmed from the genuine belief that our individual perceptions were the absolute truth. We later came to realize that the concept of a singular truth about reality was a mere illusion; instead, reality revealed itself to be endlessly malleable. How did we figure this out?

Well, before this argument, we were having a lovely and freeing experience as psilocybin is known for, we were getting deep into the operations of our consciousness and laughing about the trivial things we experienced that we could now see as unnecessarily stressful. But, during this realization that turned into an argument, we had a moment to not only hear ourselves bickering about something that was impossible to understand—we saw the lighting change. And we saw it at the same time. 

This helped us get out of that trance of our combative conversation and made us question how we could both see something that in a sense wasn’t actually real. We both noticed that the light seemed to flicker and then dimmed. In comparison to the beginning of our psilocybin trip, the lighting was bright and the air was crisp. It wasn’t long before it dawned on us that the high energy we felt within our own bodies matched the energy of the room. As we silently stood there swallowing this information, it became clear that our emotions change and shift how reality appears before our eyes.

You can say that this was my first breakthrough into an ego death, because it was this understanding that led to me to realize that how we perceive life is completely our responsibility. Happiness, sadness, our pain, even the love we excepted or rejected into or out of our lives, are all our responsibility—that controls the story that we live.

This may or may not seem obvious to you. But it was so important for me to share this revelation because I’ve encountered countless people that feel trapped in their circumstances and see no way out—some are even desperately searching for a way out. Meanwhile the key is simply their perception and awareness of their emotions.

How did this information shift my reality?

We’ll simply put, I used this wisdom in my favor. I saw it clearly that my emotions steer my perception; if powerful negative energy created this lens of life, then my goal would be to achieve that freeing, luminous, vibrant experience that I initially experienced on psilocybin mushrooms—on a daily basis. Because it wasn’t the psilocybin that granted me that incredible experience; rather, it was the emotions I felt—joy, playfulness, beauty, and, most crucially, a sense of liberation, amplified by the subtle shifts in consciousness brought on by the psilocybin.

The tricky thing about leading a life this way, is that the weight of the world can make it feel difficult to experience the lightness of your heart and mind, especially when there are unknown traits of your multidimensional ego lingering within you.

How I recognized my ego was poisoning my life

As for myself, I was far beyond off balance; I may have tipped the scale, not seeing life through any other perception than my ego. 

I always prided myself on being perceived as nice and likable, but the truth was far more complicated. I meticulously crafted an image for others to see, one that I thought would garner their approval. Yet, behind the facade, I harbored a world of hidden thoughts and opinions. I found myself telling people what they wanted to hear, afraid to reveal my true self for fear of their reactions. In retrospect, I see now that this behavior stemmed from a place of cowardice—I was too afraid to be genuine, too afraid to risk disapproval or conflict. It was exhausting, constantly maintaining this facade of amiability, and I realized that I had become a fake, a people-pleaser who sacrificed authenticity for acceptance.

This was just one layer of my ego’s hold over me, yet it proved to be one of the most challenging to break free from. Looking back, the clarity I now possess feels almost surreal compared to the confusion that clouded my mind before my ego’s demise. My ego fiercely defended against any accusations of inauthenticity, making it challenging to see through the illusion.

At that time I didn’t dare admit to myself that I cared what people think let alone sought their attention, approval, & acceptance. I wasn’t aware of any of it and would make excuses if these feelings were even skimming to the surface of my awareness.

It was in moments of vulnerability, like sharing my true feelings with my husband, that I began to see the stark contrast between my authentic self and the persona crafted by my ego. It’s humbling to acknowledge how I once blamed him for challenging me to align with my own beliefs, when in reality, it was my own reluctance to confront the conflict within.

In the depths of my soul, I grappled with the harsh reality that my ego held far more sway over my actions—or lack thereof—than I had realized. The divide between my genuine desires and societal obligations widened, forcing me into roles I felt no true connection with and stifling my authentic self-expression.

A perpetual state of stress and anxiety became a relentless presence in my life, a heavy burden fueled by the weight of societal expectations. This burden cast a pervasive shadow over my interactions with nearly everyone in my life, making it increasingly challenging to find the energy to engage at work, connect with friends, and even share meaningful moments with my own family. The toll of ego-driven living was taking its toll on my well-being.

How many ego deaths does it take to be completely free?

Though the sense of freedom in one ego death is profound, it commonly signals the beginning of a complex expedition toward our divine selves. Life’s complexity invites exploration, presenting opportunities that, if embraced, lead to profound spiritual awakening.

Think about it—throughout the years, you’ve encountered countless twists and turns, each leaving its mark on your psyche. So, guess what? Your ego has been right there with you, jotting down every observation, adjusting, and growing alongside you. It’s like this silent companion, infiltrating every dimension of your existence, morphing in tandem with your evolution.

So, while one ego death might feel like a breakthrough, the journey toward true self-awareness often involves multiple layers of unraveling, revealing, and embracing the ever-changing landscape of your inner world.

Confronting my ego & becoming aligned with my truth

As I delved deeper into my journey towards enlightenment, I unearthed layers upon layers of hidden truths, each unveiling a part of myself I had long kept concealed. It was like peeling back the layers of an onion, each revelation bringing tears to my eyes as I confronted the truths buried within.

With each layer peeled away, I found myself confronting not only the pain I had buried deep within but also the projections I had unknowingly cast onto others. It was a confronting realization, coming face to face with the aspects of myself I had long ignored—the parts that were weak, insecure, and sometimes even hurtful.

As I delved deeper, I began to see how my actions had influenced those around me, and how their actions had affected me in return. I re-evaluated my role in my own story, recognizing the roles I had played in the lives of others. It was a profound realization, one that allowed me to see myself and my relationships in a new light.

Through this process of introspection and self-examination, I came to realize that true alignment with my highest self could only be achieved by acknowledging and embracing every facet of my being—the light and the shadow, the beauty and the flaws. It was a journey of transformation, of shedding old skin and stepping into the fullness of my authenticity. And though the path was not always easy, I emerged stronger, wiser, and more attuned to the whispers of my soul.

Free at Last: Living Limitlessly After Ego Dissolution

After experiencing ego deaths, I found a freedom I never knew existed. It was as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, and I could finally breathe in the essence of my true self. No longer bound by the constraints of past conditioning and societal expectations, I discovered the power to sculpt my reality in alignment with my deepest desires.

Every thought, every action, every emotion—once dictated by the echoes of my past—was now mine to mold and shape as I saw fit. No longer content to simply drift through life, I made a conscious choice to live deliberately, to chart my own course with intention and purpose.

Today, I walk through life with a newfound sense of freedom and authenticity. I no longer settle for anything less than what my soul truly craves, and I approach each day with a sense of purpose and presence. Ego deaths have transformed my existence, granting me the gift of self-awareness and the courage to live unapologetically as my highest self.